I hear you and I LOVE that you had 30 years filled with so many happy memories — that is such a gift in this day and age. I don’t believe for a second that you will ever forget the connection you had with him.
My question is “How do you want to spend the rest of your life?” If you have another 20–30+ years ahead of you, that is a long time to be living in the past and hurting every day. It is completely your choice, however my encouragement is to find a way to understand that this is your new reality. Nothing will bring him back (as much as you would like it to). That is a fact. I feel that you have made that mean that you can’t truly move forward and be happy again unless you are with him. I think that this may be serving you because you get to keep the connection alive if you don’t truly move on with joy in your heart.
I understand all the emotions coming up and how much you miss him and I wish I could wave a wand and bring him back for you. The truth is that you get to choose how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you want to be happy? Do you want to enjoy the years you have left? If so (and that is totally up to you), I believe finding things that will make you happy is key. What are some of your dreams and goals? What do you really want to do that you have been putting off? What feeds your soul? How can you give back to others that may be hurting and help them process their feelings so they know they aren’t alone? Where could you volunteer your time? There are so many options and my prayer for you is that you would begin to take a small step every day to have more joy in your life.
You are so worth it and I have a feeling you could help others with the depth of emotions you have shown in your responses. You seem empathetic and authentic — just the kind of person others would love to be around. I so appreciate you reaching out and I hope my response comes across as kind and filled with compassion and undersanding because I know things can get lost in translation over text with no intonation. As I write this I am sending LOTS of love your way.