Thank you for your honest and raw response. I appreciate your vulnerability. Your question is valid — how do you find closure when your deepest desire is to not get it? I would answer that by saying that closure is not closing the door to everything that was — it is finding peace with what is now. We miss people for the connection and for all the good things they brought to our lives — I believe those things are worth holding on to. What might not be serving you is to hold onto things as they were 9+ years ago. Those expectations can no longer be met and if you continue to expect things to be the same in a sense, you won’t be able to move forward emotionally. I am curious as to whether you feel guilt about moving on or if you just don’t think you can find happiness without him. I know that you can’t bring him back and that is an awful thing (I’ve been in that place too when I’ve lost a dear loved one), but what I’ve found is that I was holding on for a reason. I didn’t want to move on because I wanted to keep the connection alive and I also wanted to stay in that place of sadness because it served me in a way to be there. How is it serving you to stay in that place? Feel free to continue this conversation or just answer in your own mind and heart. You have your answers and if you dig deep enough you will find out why you want to hold on and not let go.
Sending lots of love your way,